There I was, walking down the sidewalk in front of the oldest building at Interlachen High School, the old white, original school from the late 1800’s, Yeah, it’s that old. We were headed towards the intersection, Uncle Robbie and I.  Why?  I have no idea!

It was a scene change in a dream and a small part of me was lucid enough to know that.  Just seconds before, for unknown reasons now,  I had been backing our little truck down a road and almost been hit by a semi.  My kids were on the side of the road and my heart stopped thinking the semi was going to hit them, but instead, my mind protected my fragile state as it usually does when it comes to my loved ones and the semi miraculously missed them and me.  But the wheel barrow I had left on the the side of the road was gone, stolen by a passing pickup truck. I was furious and confused as to why I had left a wheel barrow there in the first place.

Then I was suddenly enjoying a leisurely walk with Uncle Robbie, my daddy’s younger brother,  in front of the school in Interlachen. Such is my crazy dream world and fortunately for the sake of my sanity, I’m very familiar with it.

We reached the corner and waited on the light to change.  Cars and trucks passed in front of us at a small town pace as we enjoyed the weather and talked about nothing.  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of  a pretty red truck.  It stopped briefly for the light, then with the arrow, turned directly in front of us and rolled to a stop.

I looked up at the driver just as Robbie exclaimed, “Well I’ll be dog gone!” and the man in the truck waved us over with a big smile and called out, “Get in!”

Without hesitation we ran.  Robbie jumped in the back seat on the driver’s side so I ran around the back of the truck and jumped in the front passenger’s side.

Oh the feelings that hit me!  First the overwhelming shock!  There sat my daddy, happy, ruddy-faced, smiling that big smile of his while his blue-eyes sparkled bright with good humor.  The first thought as I turned to look at him was how lucky he happened to be coming by while we were walking!

And then the second wave of emotion hit me with the force of a hurricane.  I realized my reality. He wasn’t suppoed to be here! Even after two years, the depth of my loss when he passed away has been almost too painful to bear.  To see him once again made my heart feel like it would burst with happiness.  I suddenly felt relief too, knowing he was there in front of me, not beyond my reach anymore.  He was there and we could finally talk. Oh the things I needed to hear from him and wanted to say!

I slid all the way over to him and hugged him tight, resting my head on his shoulder and tucking in so close I could smell his cologne.  He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer for a tight hug.

Oh the tears!  I felt them coming and couldn’t stop.  I felt Daddy pat my shoulder like he used to do whenever he hugged me.  I cried harder.  He patted me and whispered, “Stop.  Stop.”

My tears blurred my vision as I gazed at my Daddy’s kind face. Reality began to seep into my dream and I noticed a sudden shift around me. I felt myself leaving the scene, drifting up like we often imagine souls do when they pass from this life.  I wanted to stay. I struggled to stay!  I wanted to talk to him.  I needed to hear what he had to say; ease my broken heart, just a little if I could.  But my tears had effectively invaded my physical world and were dragging me away, kicking and screaming.   I woke up sobbing with wet streaks down my face and my breath catching in my throat.

It was exactly 5:38 am this morning. There’s nothing significant about that time really.  It’s the time I wake up for work every morning, but today is Sunday, not a workday.  It’s close to the time I used to get up every morning when I was a little girl just to drink coffee with my Daddy.  Mine was more milk than coffee, but it didn’t matter.  I was with my Daddy. It was our tradition and I never missed it!

My dreams about Daddy always sneak up on me.  It’s as if he’s watching and somehow manages to hijack whatever mundane scene I find myself in.  I never see it coming.  He’s just there and at first, I forget he shouldn’t be. And when I realize this, my heart feels the loss, full force, all over again.

I always say that next time I’m going to talk with him, but so far, my tears never allow that to happen and I’m yanked back to reality and left a sobbing, sniffling mess. At least this time, he spoke to me.

Twice!

I’ll take what I can get. For now.

I love you Daddy. I’ll see you again.  Soon.

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Photo credit: bionicteaching via Visual hunt / CC BY-SA