Parenting is a difficult job. It’s also one that causes the most self-doubt. No matter what you do as you raise your child, most parents end up wondering if they’ve been the best parent they can be. That, however, is not a bad thing. The doubt, those regrets, and the constant self-evaluation are all part of the process of being a better parent. As my father said long before anyone famous ever did, “Only a fool has no regrets.” I consider this bit of wisdom every time I feel I’ve really made a mess of my parenting skills.
With all that in mind and three teens in my house now that the youngest has entered middle school, here are a few tips that may help you be a better parent for your teen.
Tip #1: Stay calm. Even though you want to snap back at their sarcastic-sounding remarks, keep your cool and ask for clarification. Oftentimes teens aren’t even aware that those once sweet little voices are now seething with disgust, condescension or attitude. When my middle son was 15 years old, he was the worst about that with his deep “man voice”. When I questioned his tone, he was often surprised I took it the wrong way and highly offended that I would think he was being sarcastic. I still have to explain how he’s coming across at times, but at 17 now, he’s far less likely to use that tone we parents all come to know and despise. Even now, I’ll still question his tone if I feel it’s necessary. At least with my questioning, even if he was intending sarcasm, it gives him a chance to amend his tone without having to take it any further.
Tip #2: Don’t ignore your teen. This may sound unbelievable, but as a teacher, one of the most common complaints I hear from my students is, “My mom just ignores me!” or “My dad doesn’t even talk to me!” Many even believe their parents don’t like them at all. Knowing how teens act, any parent will tell you there are times we truly don’t like our teens, even if we always love them. Even though teens can drive us crazy, they are still kids inside those grown-up bodies. They need love, affection, and attention, even if the signs they send tell you otherwise. Make time to talk to your teen, not fuss, but normal conversation just as you would with a friend. Ask questions about their day. Ask their opinion and don’t let them exclude themselves from your family activities. Be sure to include activities that you know your teen would enjoy. But even more importantly, don’t allow them to continually distance themselves from you. If they aren’t building relationships with you, they could be building them with others who don’t have their best interests in mind.
Tip #3: Be consistent and reasonable in your discipline. Because teens have a knack for really getting under your skin, it’s easy to let anger rule your actions. It’s painful to feel betrayed when teens rebel against your rules and, (this hurts the most), you. What happened to that sweet child you once had, the one who wanted nothing more than your attention? When your teen lies to you, (yes it will happen), doesn’t do what you’ve told them to do, or breaks your rules, keep your wits about you. You are the parent and in control. Make the punishment fit the crime. I’ve been so angry at times, I’ve wanted to take away all things he enjoys and then send him to boot camp! But after my sanity returns, I realize that my actions are really just a reaction to the hurt he has caused me because he didn’t do what I expected of him. And most of the time, it’s not really an attempt to defy me. He’s just being a typical teen and not thinking about his actions.
Tip #4: Don’t embarrass your teen in front of his or her friends. You may think it’s cute to bring up silly things he or she did as a baby or you might not even think twice when you fuss at them for not cleaning their room or doing the dishes. Yet, your teen could find it humiliating and worse yet, you could be setting them up for teasing from their friends. Teen girls, in my experience, are much more sensitive to this than boys are, but I’ve yet to meet a teenager who doesn’t mind being embarrassed by their parents. Consider yourself as your teen’s number one fan and always act accordingly when around their friends. They will be very grateful to you even if you don’t hear about it until they reach adulthood.
Tip #5: Be your teen’s advocate, even in high school. When my oldest started high school, I found that I was a little intimidated, not only by the idea of him being in high school, but by the teachers and staff as well. Being a teacher myself, I can assure you, it was nothing his teachers did or said. He had wonderful teachers during his freshman year. It was the thought of HIGH SCHOOL. Maybe I had convinced myself that my teen was a young adult and now capable of taking care of himself. Maybe I even felt that if I continued to watch over him at the high school level, it would cripple him socially or even cause his teachers to believe that I was over-protective.
Now I realize that I let go of the reins at a very fragile time. He went from being an honor student to almost failing eleventh grade! Ninth grade had gone so well, I thought the next two grades would be fine. They weren’t. His schedule was not the best for him. I left it alone because I hoped his counselor would adjust it at his request. She didn’t. He was in a few classes that had discipline issues. He wanted to be moved, but they told him no. I asked about the possibility when I should have been insisting. Nothing changed except my son. He became uninterested and he felt helpless to make things happen. He even became withdrawn. When I realized he was in danger of failing, the protective mother returned.
A couple of trips to see the principal and his guidance counselors took care of the problems and got him back on track. There were no ugly words exchanged or threats of any kind. They were more than willing to help, especially since I was there clarifying my son’s problems and concerns. He knew what he needed; he was just not quite able to get things taken care of on his own.
My middle child is going to be a senior this year and yes, we will definitely continue be actively involved as needed. His high school experience has been much better thanks to what we learned with our oldest child and already having good relationships with his teachers and his guidance counselor. We’re also lucky to have a wonderful, more involved principal at the high school. She’s done wonders for morale for teachers AND students.
My youngest (and only daughter) is starting high school this year. That’s a little scary, but I’m confident she’ll have a good experience. She’s more prepared just because her two older brothers have already paved that road for her and as parents, my husband and I are as prepared as we are ever going to be. Knowing her brother will be there with her makes us even more confident she’ll be just fine. However, this won’t be our excuse to slack off. We will be on top of things throughout her high school years.
I hope these tips will be useful to you and as your teen gets older, you’ll form an even closer bond. Just remember that no matter what, hugs and kind words are never wasted on those you love.
*Originally published on Yahoo Voices on 1/13/2012